In deep relationships, learning never ends

pema chodronOn the path of self awareness, it is foolish to assume that whatever we have learnt about ourselves, is final. We are part of the ever evolving universe and it is only natural that we will continue to grow and evolve.

Some phase of the evolution will be easy. It will feel like a cake walk, and some phase might also piss you off.

Personally, i feel on the path of self knowledge, relationships serve as mirrors. They reflect back to us parts of ourselves that are disowned, hidden or suppressed. This process can be extremely painful, but if you stay on course, you will find gems.

The truth is during a difficult time, in any relationship, one learns most about oneself. If during such times, the energy goes towards blame and guilt, it normally creates a wall around us. We then either don’t want to interact with others or we submerge ourselves in alcohol or binge parties, social media distractions or any distraction that can help us feel momentarily better. Without realizing, we start an unconscious process of shutting ourselves down. Which eventually hurts us even more.

So here are 4 tips that can help during such difficult times. You can use them to learn more about yourself and the issue that is surfacing in your deep relationships. Especially during the challenging phase of the relationship. Do not run away if you need to face and own up some difficult truths. Because whatever you are trying to run away from will catch you sooner or later. The self knowledge that you gain during such time is extremely precious on the path of knowing yourself and honoring your deepest potential. If you are going through such time, i wish you peace and hope that these simply tips might help

1. Feeling through the difficult feelings physically.

This might be overwhelming at times. Just to sit and be with the difficult emotions. Take all awareness to the body and feel exactly where you are feeling the hurt, the pain, the fear n anxiety such times bring forth. Simply feel through it, breathe through it. Whatever you can feel through without reacting externally, eventually you will be able to heal through fully.

2. Allow time

We are surrounded by a culture that focuses on quick fixes. People have trained themselves to put on a smile, while deep inside there is a churning happening. I know it is also important to continue doing your work or paying attention to your responsibilities. But curbing doesn’t help in the long run. If you can allow yourself some time of the day or days to simply stay with difficult feelings, eventually peace and sanity returns.

3. Walk in nature

One of the thing that works for me often is simply heading out. A little away from the city and either taking a walk or simply sitting in nature. The silence and peace that one can find, by simply sitting by a tree for sometime at times does the trick to slow down our hyperactive mind and sentiments. Also gazing at vast open spaces, sunsets, sun rises also slowly gives us an awareness of our inherent smallness in this infinite universe. Sometimes that realization can allow us to be little kinder to ourselves as well as others.

4. Avoid talking and explaining to others who are not the part of the issue

It is important that during times of intense upheaval in any relationship, you do not communicate with people who have no idea about the situation or who doesn’t know the gravity. At times such conversations, make you simplify the issue temporarily but you miss deeper realizations at times. If you are gifted with friends, counsellors or therapists trained to simply listen to you, then it can help. But do not expect solutions from them. At times, issues become more grave when you pick and apply solutions that may backfire and make situations worse. The truth between two people in any deep relationship can never be fully understood and comprehended by anyone from outside. Yes, friends and therapists can lend you an ear during difficult times, but do not share to find solutions from them. Share so that you find solutions and insights during the act of sharing.

Because the truth is somewhere deep inside, you always know the answers. It just takes time to reach there.

Hope this helps. Stay strong. Stay grounded.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Peace in. Peace out.